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On my poem page you will of seen my poem *Rebecca*, I decided that she deserved her own page, so this is it, I shall share my poem with you on her own special page and tell you the story behind the poem...
You shall ave to be patient with me as I shall come back and type as I feel upto it, as even 15 yrs on this still upsets me so much .. Which should be a warning that if u upset easily maybe u shouldnt read my story ...
Well I guess I shall start from the beginning huh best place to start lol ...
I shall start off by first sayin that in my late teens I was datin a lad called Mick, he was a fantastic guy and we spent a couple of yrs together which in that time I fell pregnant twice and miscarried both babies, at an early stage of pregnancy and eventually the relationship fell apart, he was one of the better things to of happened to me in my life, but I guess I just went off the rails and the relationship ended due to us not seein eye to eye on our relationship anymore .... After that I just totally partied, I was out at the weekends, I was high on *well u can guess* and drunk as anythin with it, the parties would then carry on back at my flat after the nightclubs where we would party til mornin, after I seemed to get it out of my system I started avin a relationship with a guy that well I wouldnt call it a relationship it was more *a laugh* we slept together basically, it was never ment to be anythin serious, anyway I was quite shocked wen I went to the docs and discovered I was 6 weeks pregnant !!
My family and good friends at the time were really great, knowin of my past history with pregnancies and at the time was still undergoin tests at the hospital they really supported me ... Anyway a couple of months down the line everythin seemed to be goin well, I got past the 3 month worry stage and was startin to show, I cant tell u how much of a relief it was for me that my belly was growin and this lil life inside me was doin so well, the hospital werent worried and everythin was goin *smoothly* .... I and my family got past the worry so much that we started shoppin for the baby, my mum started knittin for the baby, it was all very very excitin, this lil mistake was goin to be the best mistake of my life, finally my life ment somethin ...
I remember the first time I felt my baby move, omg it was the most excitin feelin in the world, I remember thinkin many times that this was the start of my life, this here now was the start ....
My eldest brother *Trevor* used to come up to my flats in the evening most evenings *im sure it was to keep a check on how i was* but he never actually said that, but this perticular evenin he came up we had a laugh as usual, he ate me out of biscuits *which I only bought in for him truth be known lol* and the night was like many others wen he visited ...
Nope it wasnt, I felt really ill, I couldnt figure out wot it was but I just felt so ill, my brother kept askin, do u want me to get a doctor out, do u want me to take u to the hospital, I said no I think I just need sleep Im so tired and just feel ill, I did suffer really bad with sickness durin the pregnancy *duno where they get mornin sickness from mine was all day* but this day just was worse I was really sore too, eventually he left after I convinced him I would be ok if I just got a good nights sleep ...
I got to sleep eventually and the next mornin wen I awoke I knew straight away somethin was not right, I ran to the toilet *well not quite ran I was doubled over in pain* and that is wen I noticed the blood, well I cant begin to tell u wot my mind went through, I didnt ave a phone and so managed to get to the old ladies flat below mine, she phoned my mums house where she got old of my other brother *Paul* who came up straight away ... I remember on the way to the hospital sayin to him *omg im gonna get blood in ya new car* which obviously he said who gives a shit, amazin the stupid things u think at times in ur life ! At the hospital they had me waitin in a side room and I remember all that time waitin thinkin *this is it, im losin the baby* I was 5 months pregnant by this time ... My bro sat with me all the time, he was a rock for me, he kept his cool but u could see was so worried and kept goin to the curtain *wheres this doctor* bless him ... Eventually I got seen and was admitted up on a ward .. I tell ya wot was the worst thing about that hospital *Oldham hospital* besides they were shit was they stuck me on a ward where ppl where id been many times to ave opps to see why i was miscarryin *so obviously others were there for that and they stuck a pregnant woman on there* I was put on bed rest and was kept a constent eye on ...
You know this is all 15 yrs ago now and still I remember every detail like it was yesterday ...
I was in the hospital for a short while and eventually the blood stopped, the pain was still there though, the doc did his rounds and said I could go home, my mum wouldnt allow me back to my flat on my own *understandably* so I went to stay at her house, I had the worst night ever, I was still in so much pain, my mum was absolutely fuming that the hospital had let me out in such pain ... The next day I remember walkin up to the shop which was only at the top of my mums road, I could hardly make it back down the road, a friend walked me down to my mums, i wanted so much to just lie on the floor screamin doubled up in pain, my mum couldnt see me in pain like this no more so rushed me off up to my own docs ...
My doc took me straight in, no messin about waitin, he could see the agony I was in, he sat with me did a couple of tests and then called my mum back in, it must of been one of the hardest things for a doc to ave to do but he sat there and told me *Im sorry to say this but you are losin your baby*
the hardest words to hear for anybody, the worst thing was I was 5 and half month gone and i had no idea what I was about to go through ...
My doc quickly wrote a note out for the hospital, my mum refused an ambulance said I would get there quicker if she just drove me up, so off back to the hospital that had discharged me as *doin well* the docs note was not a nice one at all to the hospital, he found it very difficult to understand how they could of discharged me ...
I was admitted straight back in and back on the ward, I was this time put in a room all of my own, they had me back on *bed rest* ... Visitin time was over and my mum had to leave ..
Later in the night everyone was sleepin I was tryin to sleep but the pain was just too much, I couldnt cope with it no more, the nurse came in, went back out, came back in and then there was another one with her too, I remember the pain was just unbearable ...
They told me that I was in labour !! Labour ?? wtf !! nobody warned me in all of this that I was goin to go through actual delivery !!! These nurses were talkin to me but it was not registerin, nothin at this point was registerin anymore, all I remember is hearin *you ave got to push* ....
PUSH !! NO I DONT WANNA PUSH !! I dont know to this day if thats wot I was screamin out or if I was just thinkin it ! Eventually *anyone avin givin birth will understand* I had no choice, my body naturally pushed ... It felt like a lifetime fightin not to push, I didnt want to, my heart wanted to keep this baby but my body said no ...
The nurse ran out and what must of been the shortest time to get some sort of box thing, I couldnt tell u wot exactly I just saw a glimpse as she came back in but in that short time it felt again like a lifetime, I can still feel this wet life lay still where I had just pushed it out of my body, I could feel the warmth wetness, I wanted so bad to sit up and look but I remember feelin so weak and just wanted to lie there and die and somethin in me stopped me from takin a look *which to this day im glad of* and to this day I can still feel the body of that baby wen I think about it ... They then took the baby away and I was washed up and settled for the night ... well u can imagine how I felt, I just wanted to go home, I wanted my mum, I wanted to die ...
Nobody could ever prepare you for an experience like that, and nobody could ever teach you how to handle it either, wen I was discharged I spent a short time at my mums, by the time I got out of hospital they had already cleared my flat of all baby things and was all there ready to support me, I cant tell you how much I apreciate that support wen I look back, if it wasnt for avin such a lovin family I dont know how I would of coped or if I would of done ... It wasnt so long after that my life went back to bein crazy, I was back on the *live life full and die high* although it just never felt the same so didnt last long, then I met a guy not so long after who I ended up marryin *thats another story* ..
Anyway the reason my poem is called Rebecca is on a trip back to the hospital *yup I was back to my regular visits to see wot was wrong with my body and pregnancies* the doc told me that they had done tests and there was nothin wrong with the baby, no abnormalities and nothin showin any reason why this could of happened *made me feel even more it was somethin I did wrong* and she told me *would u like to know what sex your baby was* the first person at the hospital that had spoke of my baby as a baby and not as a *miscarraige* anyway I did want to know, once she told me *a girl* I cried again, I had already chosen names and Rebecca was for a girl, so atleast now this *miscarraige* had a name, how can they call it a miscarraige wen u actually give birth to the baby, it feels so saddenin or atleast it did to me ..
I ave wrote poetry as a way to express my feelings for many yrs, from bein a child and this one I wrote *Rebecca* some friends had me submit it into a poem competition and it did really really well, I was even invited over to the states to read the poem out myself for a book launchin *I never went though*, yup it is actually in a poem book now, I ave the book, I shall ave to take a pic of it and the poem in it to show u ...
anyway my poem ....
Rebecca......
She was so tiny, so minute
She was living inside of me
She was growing and feeding
She was my sweet little baby
She was to one day be in my arms
She was the best thing ever
She would move around and I would feel her
She was meant to be mine forever
She fell so ill, I fell ill too
She was still there trying inside of me
She was still trying to be mine one day
She couldnt help dying inside of me
She was my baby there for a while
She was my hopes of a better life
She is now my Angel, I know its true
She will be there waitin after my life .....
By Julie King ........
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